Topic

A safe space for QUILTBAG (Queer, Questioning, Unidentified, Intersex, Lesbian, Transgender, Bisexual, Asexual, Allied, Gay and Genderqueer) individuals.

I would like to preface this post by stating that this is in no way intended as a criticism, a challenge, or an offensive strategy of any sort.

I'm writing this because I feel it is important to have a safe space for QUILTBAG individuals, and not just here, but everywhere. Recently, as the vast majority of you know, there has been a lot going on in the Glitch community that could easily be considered controversial. Personally, I must say that I sincerely and genuinely felt that Glitch was no longer a safe space for me as a gay biological male and genderqueer/unidentified individual.

"Why is this such a big deal to you?," you might ask. Personally (and again, this is only my experience and I can't say all other QUILTBAG individuals have experienced the same thing), for my entire life, I've been made to feel like I was lesser than everyone else because of who I love and who I was attracted to, regardless of the fact that I could not change that and that, innately, there was nothing wrong with that. I was threatened to be kicked out of my home at a formulative age because my mother was too ashamed of who I was, as well. When I held hands with the person I loved, in public, I had people flat out tell me I was "disgusting" and had families pull their children closer as my love and I walked by (presumably because they could either "catch the gay" or become victims to pedophilia). And worst of all, I've personally known others who also felt as though they were lesser because of who they were, and internalized this, and ended up taking guns to their heads or wrapping ropes around their necks or jumping off of buildings to not have to feel that way anymore. And no, none of those friends survived. And yes, I had, once upon a time, considered following suit. And did I mention when others have attacked us? Not just verbally, but physically. I've seen the black eyes, the bruises, and the resulting broken bones given to my friends by strangers and loved ones alike, because they were somehow abominations to the rest of humanity (and by "somehow" I mean "illogically").

I'm tired of being told that I'm too sensitive. I'm tired of being told that I should grow a pair. I'm tired of seeing the same complacency, antipathy, and apathy that I see in the real world. I'm tired of the way it makes me feel, and the way it has made so many of the people I love feel. I'm tired of being told to stop "playing the victim" and having blame (and shame) thrown on me for sincerely fearing for my livelihood and having the courage to say something. I'm tired of not feeling safe. I'm tired of losing friends to self-harm, self-injury, and suicide because of it. I know many people have difficulty seeing this as even remotely close to a life-or-death issue, but that is, in fact, what it is to me. I'm also tired of not being afforded enough protection to not have to worry about being bullied and harassed. And I know I'm not alone.

I in no way intend to be a spokesperson for all QUILTBAG individuals, because I am not presumptuous enough to deny that everyone, whether within the QUILTBAG communities or outside of them, has completely different experiences. I cannot say that we all experience the same thing. I cannot say that we all have horror stories or that we are all victims. But many of us do, and many of us are. Many of us truly, irrefutably are.

And for those of us that are seeking a safe space, I want you to know that it's there. I want you to never have to feel alone, or to ever have to feel like there's nothing you can do and that there is no hope.

A couple of months ago I created the QUILTBAG (Queer, Questioning, Unidentified, Intersex, Lesbian, Transgender, Bisexual, Asexual, Allied, Gay and Genderqueer) group here at Glitch. As an administrator of the group, I will do my best to ensure that this is the safest space possible for all included. Allies are much more than welcome to join and participate. Unfortunately, if individuals involved with the group become a threat to the safety of the space, they may be invited to leave. Also, clearly, this is not a therapy group nor a crisis resource and should not be treated as such.

"What makes you so qualified to run a group like that and ensure people feel safe?" Well, I feel I must say that, again, everyone may define safety differently and that I alone cannot monopolize control of the group and dictate what happens there and what doesn't (nor do I want to). But I can safely say that anyone that were to ever feel unsafe would be more than welcome to talk about it and that we, as a group, can define what happens within the group. If it is important for anyone to understand what my background with the QUILTBAG communities is like, I want people to know that I do have extensive experience working with and advocating for the allied QUILTBAG communities. I am the former co-Editor-In-Chief of one of the largest student-run QUILTBAG newsmagazines in the nation, which was published at a very reputable public university. I was also a writer and advice columnist for that publication. Luckily, I was accepted back into that same university for their graduate program and earned a Master's in Social Work, which requires extensive training in cultural sensitivity (and, yes, the QUILTBAG communities are all considered to have their own culture). Not only that, but while in that graduate program, I was freshman representative for the LGBTQ Caucus within the department and then went on to being one of the head executive Co-Chairs for that same organization; also, because of this position I was also asked, along with my co-chair, to give presentations about what it means to be an LGBTQ individual to incoming graduate classes also studying social work. And finally, as a social worker and clinical therapist, I have worked first-hand with QUILTBAG individuals who have struggled with their identities and also come from a diverse array of backgrounds, have different stories to tell, but have all struggled somewhere along the road (including struggling with suicidality). At my last agency, I also provided everyone with purple ribbons to wear on the day of remembrance honoring QUILTBAG youth who were victims of suicide, and at my current agency I am being utilized for similar outreach.

I know I have not been the most diplomatic individual on the forums. In fact, I would consider "rabid" to be an appropriate description of my behavior, recently. I can attribute that to my fight-or-flight response, but that's not to say that I don't also accept responsibilty. However, when it comes to this group, I know when and how to put that aside and I truly, genuinely, and whole-heartedly want people to feel safe there without having to worry about drama and arguing and bullying and bigotry and hatred.

But, if you still do not feel comfortable there, there is another group which was started even earlier than the QUILTBAG group, and where I know anyone is also welcome: the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) group (run by Storm). You are also more than welcome to join both.

Again, this is not an attack or confrontation on anyone. I am just passionate about making it easier to simply be QUILTBAG, and about helping others not have to feel alone, dejected, hopeless, etc. Of course, again, this doesn’t mean all QUILTBAG individuals feel this way. But many do. And even one that does is one too many.

tl;dr: On Glitch, there are at least two LGBT or QUILTBAG-oriented groups, and I also neglected to earlier mention the group dedicated to transgender individuals. I admin the QUILTBAG group and would like to welcome everyone into the group, and for all to know that I will do my best to ensure it is a safe space for social support.

Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink

Replies

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  • So many new players! All are welcome to join. :D
    Posted 16 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • QUILTBAG does sound funny. But as someone who has no idea which letter they can claim as their own, I can't really complain ;)

    Someone up there said 'you don't need this unless you enjoy being an identifiable minority'. You know what? I REALLY WOULD ENJOY THAT. Don't you enjoy being identifiable? Don't you enjoy not having trouble explaining to people what you're all about, or, indeed, not having people even ask because it's so obvious?

    There's one obvious but easily overlooked privilege to being cis-gendered and cis-sexual; the privilege of knowing exactly what's going on down there and up there and with your body, and having the majority of society support it without question.

    Though this is not what many non-cis non-hetero people believe, my staunch view on the matter is such: there IS a norm. It is the biological norm which guarantees the survival of the species, and that's cis/hetero. I recognise that as a norm because it was applied by nature, not by society, and I can find no argument to disprove the fact that at its most basic, the species is best served by a heterosexual, child-bearing couple. 

    However, in our diverse human society, norms, whether biological or social, were never the only just option. We have long ago evolved past the stage where our only goal was procreation- life now includes behaviours that are quite unnatural, such as surgical procedures, processed food and automobiles. 

    These things are norms, however unnatural they are, because they have been adopted by the majority. But it is worth pointing out that very often, norms applied by society were wrong (it used to be the norm for women to have no rights, for a quick example).

    So, to get to the point: I am not within the norm. I am not 'wrong', either. That is my position. I will never claim to be normal or demand that the norm include everything and anything, because that would render the word meaningless. Besides, it's impossible. We keep discovering new things about ourselves- just like that acronym is growing to accommodate more identities. 

    I believe it's healthy for a norm to exist (and frankly, I believe it's impossible for a norm NOT to exist!), yet behaviours that do not meet it should not be immediately classified as undesirable. 

    All that said, well done Cerulean. No, you're not the most soft-spoken of the Glitches :P but early on I had a hunch that your heart and mind were in just the right places. Thanks for making this group, and for talking about this stuff. It's good to talk.
    Posted 16 months ago by Cefeida Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 I heart this kind of discussion
    Posted 16 months ago by Johnnyburma Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +A billion Cefeida. And to pretty much everyone else that has been supportive and understanding of the need to protect ourselves.
    Posted 16 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I'm just really happy to see an acronym that is a) pronounceable, and b) explicitly includes asexuality. :-D Cake to all! 
    Posted 16 months ago by Kittynoises Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @cerulean - rock on for creating this awesome thread and also the QUILTBAG group - a term I am new to.  I have 3 thoughts.

    &#$% yeah, QUILTBAG!  I like the term as it is more inclusive.  Chalk me up for a few letters at least. 

    I will never look at people carrying quilted bags the same way.

    @jasbo - I came up with a longwinded explanation but I realized the tl;dr for me is that I'd have a harder time knowing what to say to my non-Whedon-loving family member than if they confessed nearly anything else to me! 
    Posted 16 months ago by Wiggles The Fluent Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I am glad you are all so comfortable participating in this discussion and I'm happy we can set this kind of environment for ourselves! And though QUILTBAG is more inclusive, I still can't help but feel it leaves out Pan/peoplesexual individuals. Hmm. As for quilted bags, I think humanity is a huge quilted bag in and of itself. Each of us has our own little patch to work with. :)

    ETA: One of the reasons I keep participating in this discussion is because all too often discussions like these either become stagnant or they just happen to go awry... and because there still seems to be a significant amount of hostility when some of us simply say "hey, something you said kind of struck a wrong chord with me, and I'd like to talk about it." Yes, even on a game such as this one.
    Posted 16 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Since this is the only thread I can look at in the forums, and because the issue is so important, I'd like to keep the discussion alive. For this reason, I would like to let you all know that in the QUILTBAG group I have begun posting brief news updates relevant to the allied communities on a weekly basis. In the near future I may also consider volunteers to help out and keep the group current, fresh, safe, interesting and just plain awesome. So check it out, if and when you get the chance. :D
    Posted 15 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Hi Cerulean et al.: this whole thread is enlightening and heartening both. Thank you.
    Posted 15 months ago by Voluptua Sneezelips Subscriber! | Permalink
  • No problem! This is one of the things I live for.

    I'm really hoping to be able to claim a group hall at some point but I'm not going to be able to get in game until much later due to work. Is there anyone that can help out with this?
    Posted 15 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Cerulean, i'll be in-game off and on for the rest of the day (i'm on the U.S. West Coast, so am on Glitch Time).  How do we claim a group hall?  I'm trying to follow the conversation in Global Chat, but it's a little unclear to me right now.
    Posted 15 months ago by Wrdnrd Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Hi Wrdnrd, thanks for offering to help! To be honest, you probably know more about it than I do at this point. If you can somehow claim it for us, that would be great! But if for some reason we just aren't able to, we can wait until more open up, I suppose. I just have no idea how we go about doing so, haha.
    Posted 15 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • + awesomeness to supremo discussion - yay to you all
    Posted 15 months ago by Snorple Tehnnis Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 Cerulean. :D
    Posted 15 months ago by Kaessa Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Everyone I've met in glitch *so far* both in game, in global chat, and in quiltbag chat has been super nice. sometimes I can be dry and sarcastic but I never mean to offend. :P

    As for a group hall I would LOVE to help. After the game comes back up and I get started I would love to contribute be it time, currants, items etc. I don't really know what is needed in making group halls.

    Also the Transgender group seems to be invite only and only has one member so I don't know whats up with that. 
    Posted 15 months ago by Tundra Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Love this, everyone in Glitch is so caring and awesome! thanks for making me happy guys :)
    Posted 15 months ago by Shmoopsy Poo Subscriber! | Permalink
  • :D

    Thanks for your willingness, RachelFrost! The only thing I'm really hoping people can help out with is essentially just claiming a space. Any other needs I'll take care of! I don't want to have to force members to keep the thing going, haha.
    Posted 15 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Not quite related to Glitch but...

    I'm sitting in a Panera in Astoria Queens right now. Across the table is one of my really good friends. Two days ago, at age 25, he came out via email to his family (southern Baptist and have never shown any signs that they would take this well). 

    His mom just called and he's on the phone with his mom. I obviously can't hear her side but clearly she isn't taking it well. HOWEVER, my level of pride for my friend is so massive. He's handling it great. He is amazing.
    Posted 15 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I absolutely love Astoria. I'll be back in November.

    I'm really sorry your friend's family isn't taking it well. But it gives me great joy to know he has the comfort and support of a friend like you, because it really does (and will continue to) matter. Hopefully his family will come around in time, but I know that this isn't always true. Until the day that does (or doesn't) happen, hopefully there will be more people like you there to help him stay strong.

    <3
    Posted 15 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 from an ally.
    Posted 15 months ago by Lady Cailia Subscriber! | Permalink
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