Topic

Bad Jokes

I have suggested that everyone dresses in bad taste colour clash clothes for the next upcoming test - and in honour of bad taste (with decency of course) I thought I would share a bad joke i heard today.  I think we should all laugh more as Beta wont be around for ever and we should embrace the moment.  Love and light to you all!

A chicken is sitting in a pub
 and James Bond walks in
 and the chicken says "who are you?"
 and james Bond says "The name is bond"
 "James Bond"
 and then james bond turns to the chicken and says "what are you?"
 and the chicken says "the name is Ken"
 Chic-ken

Posted 18 months ago by Bob Apple Subscriber! | Permalink

Replies

Previous 1 2
  • I see your very bored waiting, yes KFC-Ken,lol
    Posted 18 months ago by Jellybelly Baby Subscriber! | Permalink
  • LOL Bob, was it a KFC Chic Ken by any chance?
    Posted 18 months ago by ♥joby♥ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A Glitchen walks up to Helga and oders a Cosma-politan. Instead of payment he tries to give her a piggy plop.
    "No way, bub."
    "But you can sell it," the Glitchen explains.
    "This drink is worth at least TWO plops!"
    "Well, I have two more, but their way back in Lorme Rush!"
    "I can't believe I am offering you this deal, but go get them... or no drink!"
    "Come on, Helga. Everyone knows a turd in the hand is worth two in the Rush."
    Posted 18 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • LOLLOLLOL @LBo :) Good one!
    Posted 18 months ago by ♥joby♥ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Lovin' the Glitchy jokes. I have one but it's a visual thing. You can find it here
    Posted 18 months ago by Divine~ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I would have loved to watch this Divine but it say it wont show in my country,lol
    Posted 18 months ago by Jellybelly Baby Subscriber! | Permalink
  • "Knock knock."
    ....
    "Knock knock."
    ....
    "KNOCK KNOCK!!!"
    "Can't you read!? The sign clearly says 'We're currently closed'!"
    "Oh. Sorry. Just got anxious.

    .....

    (5 minutes and ten refreshes later)

    "Knock knock."
    Posted 18 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Okay then, my favorite little series of bad jokes:

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef

    What you call a cow that jumped over an electric fence? 
    An udder catastrophe

    Oh and I like this version of the old joke:
    Why did the rat cross the road? 
    Because it was stapled to the chicken.

    Ahem, boy, do they need to open the game or WHAT?
    Posted 18 months ago by RM Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Divine: AAAAARRRRGGGHHH fell for it AGAIN!!!

    *pulls out hair*

    *runs for the Alakol hills*

    *hides in cave*
    Posted 18 months ago by Tricky Woo Subscriber! | Permalink
  • What's green and slides down a slope?
    A skiwi.

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
    A stick.
    Posted 18 months ago by Tricky Woo Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A neutron walks into a bar and asks: "How much for a drink?"
    The bartender replies "For you, no charge!"

    Sorry for the Chemistry humor...taking a Chemistry class over the summer so I don't have to take it during the school year!  
    Posted 18 months ago by Laurali Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A proton stumbles into the same bar and the bartender asks, "Are you sure you want another drink."
    The proton replies, "I'm positive."
    Posted 18 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • One day an old couple are sitting at breakfast.
    Wife says to husband  - "What are you doing today?"
    Husband- "Nothing?"
    Next day wife says to husband -"Well then, what are you doing today?"
    Husband - "Nothing?"
    Wife - "But you did that yesterday!"
    Husband - "But I've not finished."

    Yikes, I can't believe I clicked on Divine's link!  really I can't!
    Posted 18 months ago by ♥joby♥ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements? 


    Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
    Posted 18 months ago by Laurali Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To prove to the armadillo that it could be done! 
    Posted 18 months ago by Riverwalker Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Glowers at Divine.  I'll have you know, I finally got that out of my head yesterday only to click your link!  Argh!
    Posted 18 months ago by Marebito Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. 
    On the third night


    In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman, The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..' 
    'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' 
    Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
    He then waves and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! 


    One year later The barman  he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. 
    The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED' ,said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause The rabbit said... 

    "Mixin-me-toasties.'
    Posted 18 months ago by Misha Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Ugh, Misha, that's awful!
    Posted 18 months ago by glum pudding Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Whack Whack.Thud.

    what was that

    Divine getting a whack on the upside of her head,lol
    Posted 18 months ago by Jellybelly Baby Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Back in the 80's, a couple from the midwest took a somewhat daring vacation to the USSR.

    On their second week they were riding the train and the husband suddenly excitedly leaned into his wife and whispered, "Oh my! That is Rudof Stansloslov, the famous Russian meteorologist sitting right across from us!"

    "You're a a huge fan, dear. You should say something."

    The husband cleared his throat. "Mr. Stansloslov, I am a big admirer of your work."

    "Ah, an American who appreciates the fine art of meteorology. Please, call me Rudof."

    The three spoke for awhile and  the husband began to get braver.

    "Rudof, now I'm no professional. But I am an amateur."

    "Well, then. Why not tell me what you believe the weather will be like later today."

    The husband looked out the train window.

    "Looking the the wispiness of the clouds and their color and speed of the wind, I would say we are guaranteed a heavy down pour by 4 pm."

    Stansloslov chuckled. "I can see how you'd think that. But no. Clearly, the temperature indicates that while there will be some rain, it will be light and not come until 4:45 pm."

    The husband was a touch offended by the Russians dismissive tone. "Well, my good ol' American know how says a down pour."

    "A drizzle."

    "A downpour!"

    "A drizzle!"

    Finally, his wife gently touched her husband's arm. "Let it go."

    "But..."

    "It is going to drizzle. Rudof the Red knows rain, dear."
    Posted 18 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • and glum thought mine was bad pmsl :)
    Posted 18 months ago by Misha Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Misha, you inspired me to go to new heights (lows). I love long setups to horrible puns.
    Posted 18 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Ooph. That was a doozy.
    Posted 18 months ago by Folderol Subscriber! | Permalink
  • What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

    ETA: Yay, that's bad...
    Posted 18 months ago by Divine~ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
    Posted 18 months ago by Divine~ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • "A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."She said, "Pardon?"He said, "I said I love you."She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
    Posted 18 months ago by Divine~ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • One of my very favourite geeky jokes:

    Q.  What sits on your shoulder going "Pieces of Nine! Pieces of Nine!"

    A. A parroty error.
    Posted 18 months ago by dopiaza Subscriber! | Permalink
  • There are not enough less-than-threes for how much I <3 this thread.
    Posted 18 months ago by Cygnoir Subscriber! | Permalink
  • what's brown and sticky?
    .......wait for it..........

    A STICK!!!!!!!!!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA
    Posted 18 months ago by Cupcake Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *thwacks dopiaza...but lovingly*
    Posted 18 months ago by RM Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Cupcake:
    Guess what?

    Chicken Butt!
    (Yes, I am now seven.)
    Posted 18 months ago by Lelu Subscriber! | Permalink
  • This works better when said out loud, but here it is anyway.

    A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist looks up at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"
    Posted 18 months ago by Zany Serendipity Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Q: What's red and smells like paint?
    A: Red paint.
    Posted 18 months ago by Joe Blow Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
    It was dead

    Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
    It was holding on to the first one

    Why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree?
    It thought it was a game and jumped

    Why did the ranger have to go to the hospital?
    They was hit on the head by 3 falling koalas!

    Now you know why they call them dropbears :P
    Posted 18 months ago by HarleyQuin Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

    Being attacked by a giant scorpion!
    Posted 18 months ago by HarleyQuin Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide!
    Posted 18 months ago by Magic Monkey Subscriber! | Permalink
  • All the rest of these are really cute-I hope you like mine.

    One day a man was out for a drive. All of a sudden a rabbit jumped out from the side of the road. The man swerved and tried to miss it but alas, ended up hitting the thing. He got out to survey the damage and decide what to do next. As he was doing this a young lady (yes I think she was blond) drove up. She stopped upon seeing the man and his car and got out to make sure he was okay.
    She: "What seems to be the problem? Are you okay?"
    Man: "I don't know what to do. It seems I've hit this little rabbit with my car"
    She: "Hmm, I think I have something to fix things with, I'll be right back"
    She went to her car while the man thought "What the heck does she think she's going to do this rabbit is pretty dead."
    The lady came back and sprayed something on the rabbit and sure enough it got up and hopped away. The man just stood there in disbelief watching it hop away. A few feet later it turned and waved to them. It continued to hop away and then again stopped and turned and waved to them. It continued this until it was out of sight.
    The man then turned to the lady, "Thank you for helping me. What did you spray on that rabbit?" The lady answered, "It was my hair spray-guaranteed to restore flat hair and give permanent wave."
    Posted 18 months ago by Holly Waterfall Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin. The bartender points to it and asks "Doesn't that hurt?"

    The pirate responds, "Yar, it's driving me nuts."

    ---

    Q: What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and who's in the ocean?
    A: Bob

    Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's hanging on a wall?
    A: Art

    Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's covered in bird poop?
    A: Cliff

    Etc, Etc.
    Posted 18 months ago by Hank Tudor Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Dwayne.
    Dwayne, who?
    Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.

    Knock Knock.
    Who's there?
    Sam and Janet.
    Sam and Janet, who?
    Sam and Janet evening, you will meet a stranger....
    Posted 18 months ago by ElleD Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Why did the chicken cross to the other side of the street?

    You squeezed it.
    Posted 18 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • What's he called in the doorway?  Matt.
    Posted 18 months ago by glum pudding Subscriber! | Permalink
  • C-nile Virus
    This virus is extremely dangerous.... BE CAREFUL Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-nile virus that even the most advanced AntiVirus programs cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1962!
    Symptoms of C-nile Virus:
    Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
    Causes you to send blank e-mails.
    Causes you to send to the wrong person.
    Causes you to send jokes back to the person who sent it to you.
    Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
    Causes you to wonder who in the heck all the people in your address book are.
    Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
    Posted 18 months ago by GreyGoose Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Two muffins are sitting in the oven... first muffin says to the other "man, it's hot in here"... the second muffin says "AHHHHH! Talking Muffin!"

    Ok, ok... my favorite one-liner...
    Three men walk into a bar, the fourth ducks.
    Posted 18 months ago by Travinara Subscriber! | Permalink
  • what do you call a person with no legs and no arms next to a shed? Eileen
    Posted 18 months ago by bored no more Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A woman was driving down the road when a car came around a curve towards her in the wrong lane and nearly hit her head on.  As he passed he leaned out the window and shouted, "Cow!".  this made her so mad that as she started around the curve she looked back and shouted, "Pig!".  That's when she ran into the cow.

    Another:

    A social researcher from Virginia went to the Tennessee hills to study the locals.  He met an old farmer and asked the man a lot of questions.  The farmer scratched his head and said, "Young man we don't cotton to furiners around here."  "Furiners!", said the young man.  "I'm from Virginia, what do you call folks from over the sea?"  "Outlandish."
    Posted 18 months ago by Brib Annie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Two elderly religious ladies driving their old car through the dark lanes of Transylvania late one night.  Suddenly a vampire jumps on the bonnet (hood) of the car and shows his fangs!
    "Quickly Mary" says one of the ladies, "show him your cross!"
    "GET OFF MY ****ING CAR" screams Mary!

    Two Fish in a tank - one says to the other "can you drive this thing?"

    Grand Master Chess players met in the lobby of the London Ritz hotel and spent the whole day bragging about how good they were.  The times reported it under the headline "Chess Nuts Boasting In An Open Foyer"

    Dr Brown has rented a laboratory on top of Grand Central in New York - He keeps getting Ideas above his station!

    Whats Brown, Steaming and comes backwards out of Cows?  - the Isle of Wight Ferry

    I went to the Doctor and said "Doc, i've got a problem with my eyesight" - the Doc said "I should say so, this is a butchers".  So i asked for a Second opinion and he said "you're ugly too".  I eventually found my way into the proper Doctors Surgery and said "Doc, i've still got a problem with my eyesight" so the Doc said, "you've got to stop touching youself inappropriately" - "Is that affecting my eyesight?" I asked the Doc, "No", he replied "but it's upsetting everyone in the waiting room"

    Im here till Tuesday - dont applaud, just throw money.
    Posted 18 months ago by Bob Apple Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *throws some currants at Bob while laughing helplessly*
    Posted 18 months ago by RM Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I have to say the forums are becoming as entertaining as the game.
    Posted 18 months ago by Suzy Spring Subscriber! | Permalink
  • green-green
    green-green
    "yellow?"
    "ah white!"
    pink
    Posted 18 months ago by ~Scilly~ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. 

    When the plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the little girl and said:: 'I've always found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'OK. What would you like to talk about?'

    'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'

    'Yes,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.' 

    'A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff. 
    Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. 
    Why do you suppose that is?'

    The stranger thought for a few moments,, then said: 'You know, I've never thought about that. I have no idea.'

    The little girl began to open her book again, saying: 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?' 
    Posted 18 months ago by Zany Serendipity Subscriber! | Permalink
Previous 1 2