Topic

The Cold Hard Facts: What YOU need to know before you cast your BALLOT (NEW: inside the debauchery of the sloth super pac)

The cold hard facts. No spin. No hidden propaganda. I promise. 

The Candidates
• Alpaca
-intriguing, loving animals. They are intelligent, enquiring and sensitive. They quickly respond to gentle handling and they are calming to be around. Alpacas are one of nature’s stress busters!
- www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP5...

 • Fox
-tries to eat sleeping babies

 • Goat
-Each year, over 6000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone.          

 • Kangaroo
-Try to drown dogs! Animal abusers.

 • Mole
-Burrowing destroys livelihood of farmers and their babies.
-Occasionally, but somewhat rarely, carry rabies.

 • Monkey
-eat human babies.

 • Moose
-known to attack humans

 • Rabbit
-Violent behavior very common, even to the owners that love them 

 • Rat
-Eat babies

 • Sheep
-Steal from toddlers

 • Toad
-Poison dogs. Animal abuser!

 • Sloth
 -According to Robert Armitage Sterndale, in his Mammalia of India (1884, p. 62): [The sloth bear] is also more inclined to attack man unprovoked than almost any other animal, and casualties inflicted by it are unfortunately very common, the victim being often terribly disfigured even if not killed, as the bear strikes at the head and face. Blanford was inclined to consider bears more dangerous than tigers... Captain Williamson in his Oriental Field Sports wrote of how sloth bears rarely killed their human victims outright, but would suck and chew on their limbs till they were reduced to bloody pulps.[4] One specimen, known as the Sloth bear of Mysore, was singlehandedly responsible for the deaths of 12 people and the mutilation of 2 dozen others before being shot by Kenneth Anderson.

The Polls
This is the current distribution of votes
Analysis: I find the current polls are non-conclusive.  However, the Associated Press has already declared alpaca the winner and says if you were planning to vote non-alpaca you shouldn't bother, because it is a waste of your vote.  
I do believe alpaca will win.  The other animals just have too much baggage and flip-flop too much and eat too many babies.

What the Voters Are Saying: Completely unbiased selections of the most factually accurate comments

Quotes may have been edited for clarity and length. 

Running man: Rabbits are vicious!
☣ elf ☣: Sloth = eats people slowly.  Ever so slowly.
Aleph Zero: Sloths are... ass.
jiva: Voted my only vote to alpaca. You know they have the best fur for knitting. It's one of the finest and softest and warmest fibres available to knitters. It has a lovely drape for lace work! 
Flapmouse: Toads are... pests and [eat] a gardener's best friend!
Bornslippy: a vote for alpacas, people, is a vote for [helping] the exploited, the poor, the weak and the vulnerable.

NEW: INTERVIEW with anonymous inside source of the Sloth Super Pac
Me: Hello. What is your goal?
Anonymous source who TOTALLY EXISTS: To corrupt the hearts and minds of Glitches and babies everywhere with my money.  To introduce ferocious, Glitch-eating sloth bears into the game to eat Glitches and babies.  To run off to the Camen Islands with the prizes I promised to those who voted for their own demise at the hands of sloth bears.
Me: That's... that's awful, my anonymous source who I totally didn't make up.  What do you say about ToS's lack of comment on the issue of if a sloth or a sloth bear would be introduced into the game?
Anonymous source who TOTALLY EXISTS: You have to read in between the lines of their silence.  Know the expression "silence is golden"? Well it makes sense because I bribed their silence with gold.  And I heard from another anonymous source who also totally exists that they are planning to add the sloth bear, and the product you get from it is death.
Me: Oh. Oh my. What do you have to say about allegations that your organization has broken campaign finance laws by collaborating with your candidate, Sloth.
Anonymous source: We gave the sloth bear five beta fun pickles and they told us what to post in the forums.  Wait, no.  That's incriminating. No Comment.
Me: Errr... who will you be voting for in the 2012 presidential elections?
Anonymous source: Rick Santorum all the way!

Posted 9 months ago by Isabelle the Pug Subscriber! | Permalink

Replies

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  • Ama-gi "Sloths are very gentle herbivores that sleep three quarters of the day, therefore perfect gardening helpers!"  YYEEEESSSS!!!! Sloth garden minions to tend crops and harvest trees in your absence like the animal product collectors do now. And when you get home you can just collect the bounty.
    Posted 9 months ago by Dr. Babycat Subscriber! | Permalink
  • There is much truth here but somehow the stories of the baby skinning Alpacas of the southern Andes were left out. There was even that one incidence where a single sociopathic Alpaca skinned every infant in a local village and the sewed the skins together into quilt which it later hung up as a macabre display in the town square. Fear the murderous and baby skinning Alpacas that are going to be unleashed up the unsuspecting Glitchen of the world if the voting doesn't turn around before it's too late.   ; )
    Posted 9 months ago by Melting Sky Subscriber! | Permalink
  • ooh! that'd be so cool to be able to decorate my house with stitched together Glitch-skin throw-rugs!
    Posted 9 months ago by LokiPDX Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Vote soft fluffy ALPACA !! Imagine happy glitchen and alpaca bouncing together in unison. *boing* *boing*

    No Smelly ol Sloths with dirty hooking claws... ewwww..
    Posted 9 months ago by Ooola Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Alpacas are a DOMESTIC animal, they are not part of nature.  Vote sloth.
    Posted 9 months ago by reggieness Subscriber! | Permalink
  • As a herpetologist AND a keeper of poisonous frogs and toads (as well as non-poisonous ones), I have to say this:
    Dogs wouldn't get poisoned by toads if they weren't themselves trying to eat the toads. Poisonous is not venomous--poisonous is a passive thing. A toad doesn't leap forth from the shrubbery with a mighty cry to wickedly and purposefully poison a dog. It hops about, minding its own toad business--generally even SLEEPING all day because they're nocturnal--and some dopey mutt comes along to pester the poor toad. Upon tasting or even swallowing the innocent anuran, the dog receives a dose of toxin. 

    Note that cats are far less likely to have this problem because they'll taste it, go "EW", then drop it, rather than swallowing fist-sized creatures whole in an eyeblink the way dogs are.

    I have three microhylid frogs here that are toxic. They ONLY produce toxin when they are stressed; if they're being pestered by a predator, they give off a sticky yellow toxin that stings and gets in eyes, noses, and mouths, tasting BAD.

    Leave them alone, they'll leave you alone.  :)
    Posted 9 months ago by MG Botia Subscriber! | Permalink
  • The best thing about sloths is that they poo on the ground.  Under specific trees.

    It's the only way these animals get to meet other sloths to make babeen sloths with
    Posted 9 months ago by shhexy corin Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I can't believe this vicious besmirching of the sloth's good name.  Sloth bears indeed.
    :(
    Posted 9 months ago by shhexy corin Subscriber! | Permalink
  • This is propaganda. You didn't even interview anyone. You just made that up
    Posted 9 months ago by AwesomeCardinal2000 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • this post sort of crossed the line from funny to unsettling for me. :/
    Posted 9 months ago by Slugbug Subscriber! | Permalink
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