Topic

A safe space for QUILTBAG (Queer, Questioning, Unidentified, Intersex, Lesbian, Transgender, Bisexual, Asexual, Allied, Gay and Genderqueer) individuals.

I would like to preface this post by stating that this is in no way intended as a criticism, a challenge, or an offensive strategy of any sort.

I'm writing this because I feel it is important to have a safe space for QUILTBAG individuals, and not just here, but everywhere. Recently, as the vast majority of you know, there has been a lot going on in the Glitch community that could easily be considered controversial. Personally, I must say that I sincerely and genuinely felt that Glitch was no longer a safe space for me as a gay biological male and genderqueer/unidentified individual.

"Why is this such a big deal to you?," you might ask. Personally (and again, this is only my experience and I can't say all other QUILTBAG individuals have experienced the same thing), for my entire life, I've been made to feel like I was lesser than everyone else because of who I love and who I was attracted to, regardless of the fact that I could not change that and that, innately, there was nothing wrong with that. I was threatened to be kicked out of my home at a formulative age because my mother was too ashamed of who I was, as well. When I held hands with the person I loved, in public, I had people flat out tell me I was "disgusting" and had families pull their children closer as my love and I walked by (presumably because they could either "catch the gay" or become victims to pedophilia). And worst of all, I've personally known others who also felt as though they were lesser because of who they were, and internalized this, and ended up taking guns to their heads or wrapping ropes around their necks or jumping off of buildings to not have to feel that way anymore. And no, none of those friends survived. And yes, I had, once upon a time, considered following suit. And did I mention when others have attacked us? Not just verbally, but physically. I've seen the black eyes, the bruises, and the resulting broken bones given to my friends by strangers and loved ones alike, because they were somehow abominations to the rest of humanity (and by "somehow" I mean "illogically").

I'm tired of being told that I'm too sensitive. I'm tired of being told that I should grow a pair. I'm tired of seeing the same complacency, antipathy, and apathy that I see in the real world. I'm tired of the way it makes me feel, and the way it has made so many of the people I love feel. I'm tired of being told to stop "playing the victim" and having blame (and shame) thrown on me for sincerely fearing for my livelihood and having the courage to say something. I'm tired of not feeling safe. I'm tired of losing friends to self-harm, self-injury, and suicide because of it. I know many people have difficulty seeing this as even remotely close to a life-or-death issue, but that is, in fact, what it is to me. I'm also tired of not being afforded enough protection to not have to worry about being bullied and harassed. And I know I'm not alone.

I in no way intend to be a spokesperson for all QUILTBAG individuals, because I am not presumptuous enough to deny that everyone, whether within the QUILTBAG communities or outside of them, has completely different experiences. I cannot say that we all experience the same thing. I cannot say that we all have horror stories or that we are all victims. But many of us do, and many of us are. Many of us truly, irrefutably are.

And for those of us that are seeking a safe space, I want you to know that it's there. I want you to never have to feel alone, or to ever have to feel like there's nothing you can do and that there is no hope.

A couple of months ago I created the QUILTBAG (Queer, Questioning, Unidentified, Intersex, Lesbian, Transgender, Bisexual, Asexual, Allied, Gay and Genderqueer) group here at Glitch. As an administrator of the group, I will do my best to ensure that this is the safest space possible for all included. Allies are much more than welcome to join and participate. Unfortunately, if individuals involved with the group become a threat to the safety of the space, they may be invited to leave. Also, clearly, this is not a therapy group nor a crisis resource and should not be treated as such.

"What makes you so qualified to run a group like that and ensure people feel safe?" Well, I feel I must say that, again, everyone may define safety differently and that I alone cannot monopolize control of the group and dictate what happens there and what doesn't (nor do I want to). But I can safely say that anyone that were to ever feel unsafe would be more than welcome to talk about it and that we, as a group, can define what happens within the group. If it is important for anyone to understand what my background with the QUILTBAG communities is like, I want people to know that I do have extensive experience working with and advocating for the allied QUILTBAG communities. I am the former co-Editor-In-Chief of one of the largest student-run QUILTBAG newsmagazines in the nation, which was published at a very reputable public university. I was also a writer and advice columnist for that publication. Luckily, I was accepted back into that same university for their graduate program and earned a Master's in Social Work, which requires extensive training in cultural sensitivity (and, yes, the QUILTBAG communities are all considered to have their own culture). Not only that, but while in that graduate program, I was freshman representative for the LGBTQ Caucus within the department and then went on to being one of the head executive Co-Chairs for that same organization; also, because of this position I was also asked, along with my co-chair, to give presentations about what it means to be an LGBTQ individual to incoming graduate classes also studying social work. And finally, as a social worker and clinical therapist, I have worked first-hand with QUILTBAG individuals who have struggled with their identities and also come from a diverse array of backgrounds, have different stories to tell, but have all struggled somewhere along the road (including struggling with suicidality). At my last agency, I also provided everyone with purple ribbons to wear on the day of remembrance honoring QUILTBAG youth who were victims of suicide, and at my current agency I am being utilized for similar outreach.

I know I have not been the most diplomatic individual on the forums. In fact, I would consider "rabid" to be an appropriate description of my behavior, recently. I can attribute that to my fight-or-flight response, but that's not to say that I don't also accept responsibilty. However, when it comes to this group, I know when and how to put that aside and I truly, genuinely, and whole-heartedly want people to feel safe there without having to worry about drama and arguing and bullying and bigotry and hatred.

But, if you still do not feel comfortable there, there is another group which was started even earlier than the QUILTBAG group, and where I know anyone is also welcome: the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) group (run by Storm). You are also more than welcome to join both.

Again, this is not an attack or confrontation on anyone. I am just passionate about making it easier to simply be QUILTBAG, and about helping others not have to feel alone, dejected, hopeless, etc. Of course, again, this doesn’t mean all QUILTBAG individuals feel this way. But many do. And even one that does is one too many.

tl;dr: On Glitch, there are at least two LGBT or QUILTBAG-oriented groups, and I also neglected to earlier mention the group dedicated to transgender individuals. I admin the QUILTBAG group and would like to welcome everyone into the group, and for all to know that I will do my best to ensure it is a safe space for social support.

Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink

Replies

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  • +1 to this. I wish I had more to offer than that, but brainspace is limited at the moment.
    Posted 17 months ago by knitmeapony Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1
    Posted 17 months ago by Arii Subscriber! | Permalink
  • "People need to grow a pair. Or two. Stop taking everything personally. Learn to laugh, ugly."  ~Cerulean
    Posted 17 months ago by Btaylor Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I never said that. I replied to it. In fact, what I said to that was that I had a pair and that I was sorry if that meant I couldn't stand up for what was right. Go check for yourself. Then again, I can't expect much more than to be misquoted by someone who throws around the word "retarded" as a pejorative.

    ETA:
    "WHINE WHINE WHINE
    People need to grow a pair. Or two. Stop taking everything personally. Learn to laugh, ugly.

    Also, can we get rid of trees? I mean, what are they good for?

    Posted 4 hr ago by Ridem Cowboy | Permalink"

    FOLLOWED BY

    I have a pair. Sorry if it seems that because I do I can't stand up for what's right.
    Posted 2 hr ago by Cerulean | Permalink | Edit
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • You are entirely correct. . . maybe one day, thousands of years from now, I'll get used to the fact that the forums for glitch put the Thread Starter on the right, not beneath the thread.

    Maybe.

    It's not very likely though.
    Posted 17 months ago by Btaylor Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Always learn something new everyday. +100 for the effort Cerulean!
    Posted 17 months ago by Saywhat Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 Cerulean
    Posted 17 months ago by Shepherdmoon Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Thanks for creating a safe space; the effort is always important. +1.

    That said, I want to take the opportunity to just state on this forum that as a gender queer dyke, I have never felt that Glitch was not safe for alternative lifestyles.  If anything, it'sa been one of the more queer friendly places I have found in my internet travels.  I applaud both the devs for creating a game in which these roles really don't matter and the community at large for being very good people.

    We each experience what we experience, so I am by no means discounting yours or anyone else's, but wanted to put out there -- for others who come along in the future or today -- that at present, I feel Glitch is very safe.  I have never felt threatened here for presenting as a dude in-game when I am not IRL or for being queer or whatever.  There have been some rude folks here, but that -- in my experience -- has nothing to do with my identity. 
    Posted 17 months ago by zeeberk Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @zeeberk -- Generally, and historically, I have to agree with you. It's only recently that I felt unsafe, though I created the QUILTBAG group a couple of months ago. I have tons more to say on the subject, of course, but I really am not here to criticize anyone and don't want to make it seem like Tiny Speck fosters violence towards QUILTBAG individuals, which I sincerely believe they do not.

    And as I said in my original post, one of the reasons I'm sticking around is because of the tremendous support I have found in the community (historically), not just for being me but also for being QUILTBAG.

    ETA: Also, one of the reasons I sometimes feel unsafe was because someone on Glitch has personally attacked me (verbally) directly.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • From Vermilion, my bb:

    Vermilion:  please don't feel sad, ok? Anyone who is hurtful here isn't in the spirit of the game anyway. It's supposed to be a happy place here.

    :3
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Giving this the boost it deserves.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +Yeah, a lot.

    As a straight lady with lady parts who identifies with those lady parts and likes boy parts but doesn't personally want possession of boy parts, I think I'm one of the As, the Allied. So, yeah. I always feel a bit weird stepping in, like I don't belong, but definitely an A! I tend to step in if I see bad stuff happening (replace "stuff" with the other s-word), but only if I see it happening, big forum and whatnot, and you know... big real world, but I tend to stay out of queer-focused groups otherwise, because I feel like straight girl trying to butt in. But A!

    I am also a ravening feminist and (always, not just here) feel that the feminazis and the queer community don't always get along like we should because on the whole, we have a lot of the same goals, and we really have the same enemies.

    Also, I very much like the QUILTBAG term and am going to take it everywhere.
    Posted 17 months ago by Heyoheya Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 for safe space and for articulate, compassionate, and take-no-crap people like Cerulean to populate and facilitate it!
    Posted 17 months ago by Meridian Subscriber! | Permalink
  • what happened to LGBT?
    Posted 17 months ago by Mr. Dawgg Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Mr. Dawgg -- Some people aren't comfortable identifying with those labels (or any label for that matter, which is generally what might fall under "unidentified"). In fact, I don't know why P for Pansexual isn't on the list... and I know for a fact we have at least one pansexual user, who is more than welcome in the group, as well.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • How about just 'non-hetero?' NH.  That would pretty much grab everyone. Unless... Can gay be a fetish in addition to being a sexual identity? Because there might be someone who is heterosexual but has a gay fetish (assuming it can be), and then they wouldn't fall into that category. But, maybe it's not for them anyways. Or maybe that's bisexual. I don't know. Just throwing that out there. I mean, as you pointed out, QUILTBAG isn't sufficient as-is. Seems like the acronym is getting outta control.
    Posted 17 months ago by Mr. Dawgg Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Though just an ally, having read through the entirety of what went down here, I can say that I think I do know how you feel Cerulean. As the mother of a gay son who has struggled for acceptance in this society, these issues are VERY real to me too. It seems it's hard for many people to understand just how deeply some of those casually spoken comments and attitudes can wound, and why it is so important for well meaning folks to stop and consider what their QUILTBAG friends are trying to communicate about here.

    Since this subject is so close to me, it's been bothering me pretty much every time a comment appeared that disagreed with, or dismissed, or failed to see the importance of my own opinions (which you and others expressed very well even though I barely commented in that other thread). But aside from my wish to have all commenters agree with my point of view, I think that a good thing happened here. I bet that a lot of people were educated about the issue, and the things they heard will stick with them and percolate over time into even greater understanding.

    Know that you do have allies. And thanks to you and the others for hanging in there and saying a lot of things that needed to be said.  
    Posted 17 months ago by crowdedsky Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Mr. Dawgg -- I suppose "out of control" is really subjective. "Non-hetero" would also not be sufficient, as it implies heterosexuality is "the standard" and that everyone outside of it is "non-normative," when, to be honest, we are all who we are and that in itself should just be normative. Additionally, heterosexuality is specific to sexual orientation and not applicable to gender identity.

    @crowdedsky -- Thank you so much for telling your story. A colleague of mine is queer and has a gay son, and I discussed what happened here with her because I wanted a broadened perspective of the situation... and because she could tell something was really bothering me. And you're completely right. I think a lot of people fail to see how even the most simple and brief statement, such as a "gay joke," can be completely detrimental and have a serious impact. Another issue I've encountered is complacency and the fact that a lot of individuals remain silent or uninvolved, which is often translated and mistranslated into acceptance. I agree that, with the estrogen thread, it allowed for certain things to happen that needed to occur and I have seen a lot of good come from it. Had it not been for that thread I may not have been aware of just how supportive some of my fellow players generally are of me (sorry, that's horribly written but it's late for me and close to bedtime).

    I want to say thank you to everyone that has really been great about this and been so open to letting me into their hearts and making the efforts to make it into mine. So many of you have been extremely supportive and have provided the most solid of foundations for me to be able to open this safe space (the QUILTBAG group, I mean). As zeeberk pointed out, Glitch in general has been generally not only accepting of QUILTBAG individuals but also, in certain cases, protective of us. If Glitch weren't already relatively safe, a group like mine simply couldn't exist. But I want to go the extra mile to really ensure the things I've already discussed. That people feel safe. That they don't feel alone. That they don't feel worthless. I know what that feels like and no one should have to feel that way.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Cerulean, think you know by now you have my support 110%.  Really, I was crying before I got halfway through your first post here.  Allied works for me..Way back when.. in the 70s/80s, when my sister and many of my friends started coming out we had Family and Friends of Gays.. I guess social progress helped us all to outgrow the confines of that particular label.  Knowing that QUILTBAG exists makes me feel so much better about that and in that regard, I will wait to share more within the Glitch Quiltbag group.  Thank you for the invitation.  See you there :)  
    Posted 17 months ago by Joni Mitchell Subscriber! | Permalink
  • The name QUILTBAG just makes me want to shake my head. I don't know. Doesn't really matter. Just seems awful long. LGBT I thought did it well enough. But I guess even that morphed to LGBTQIA at one point. What's odd, is it should be QQUILTBAGG according to your thing. There has to be a way to come-up with a catchall that works. 

    *looks things up*

    Found a useful word! Cisgendered.  Non-Cisgendered. In fact, the term was created to get rid of the word normative, so there's no need to say normative non-cisgendered. So Non-Cisgendered Non-Heterosexual. NCNH. Or maybe just NCH. What do you think? 

    And wow... LBGT evolved into 'LGBTTIQQ2SA.' Learn something new every day.
    Posted 17 months ago by Mr. Dawgg Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Good on you Cerulean
    Too many young people are suffering needlessly. And not only young people.
    I did not read or see comments or behaviour that were mentioned, but I hope that Glitchers try to behave with respect towards all other players, if we keep that as a goal then it should be a safe place where we can have fun and not be sad or hurt.
    Posted 17 months ago by Emu Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Mr. Dawgg - First off, kudos to you for your exploration of terminology in what I feel is a non-inflammatory way, and for making the effort to do the research and educate yourself about concepts and words that you might not normally come across in your daily life.  It's only in that spirit of self-education and learning and growing as a group here that I offer a clarification.

    Cisgender(ed) refers to people whose internal sense of gender identity matches the one to which their body was assigned at birth. That's a bit clunky, but basically what it means, for example, that I am cisgender(ed), is that a doctor and everyone else looked at me when I was a baby and said, "It's a girl!" and then I grew up feeling totally like a girl inside as well. The term is a neutral contrast with transgender(ed), which is often used to cover the broad spectrum of folks whose internal sense of their gender doesn't match up with the one they were assigned at birth. 

    Trans- and cis- as prefixes for gender identity were developed in order to create a neutral pair. Before we had these prefixes, it was all too common to talk about people as having trans gender identities or "normal" gender identities (used to refer to GIs where assigned-sex and internal gender identities match up - what we've grown up thinking of as the default). However, although it is more rare to have a trans gender identity, it's certainly not any more or less "normal" than a cis GI; there's nothing pathological about it. 

    For a minority group (in this case folks whose internal/external gender identity match-up is not commonly represented in the media, education, public policy, etc.) it can be very painful to be defined in terms of what they are *not* in comparison to the dominant group. Kinda like if we went around calling women "Not-men." ;) (Man, I've been reading all this Freud for school and that is basically the premise of his whole theory of female development. All women have as their central conflict that they lack a penis and are not men. SIGH. But I digress...) 

    The hope behind this ever-growing "alphabet salad" is to try to create an inclusive space where people can see themselves represented. The needs and issues of a queer intersex woman may be totally different from those of a straight trans woman and in turn totally different from those of an asexual cis man (just to pull out a few from the acronym), but by using these long unwieldy umbrella acronyms we're trying to say, "Hey, asexual folks and queer folks and trans folks and intersex folks and their allies - we don't necessarily share anything except misunderstanding, persecution, and sometimes outright violence as a result of our gender identities and sexual orientations (which are two totally different things, of course), but at the end of the day, we have each others' backs. We know what it's like to feel unsafe and unseen, and this space, this superlong silly acronym space, is going to be a space where you can feel safe and seen, even if your needs and issues are totally different from mine." 
    Posted 17 months ago by Meridian Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 I stand next to alternative progressive Glitchsters of all stripes. 
    Posted 17 months ago by justpeace Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Cerulean, just to note: I don't have access to see the group's discussions, despite joining yesterday. :/
    Posted 17 months ago by zeeberk Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Cerulean, nor I..
    Posted 17 months ago by Joni Mitchell Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I used to have access to the group's discussions, but I don't anymore either. Has something been changed in the group's settings?
    Posted 17 months ago by Xacau Feera Blin Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Really? That's strange. I'll have to look at the group's permissions. That certainly wasn't deliberate. Check again in a few minutes.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • It seems to be working now (: Thank you!
    Posted 17 months ago by Xacau Feera Blin Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 for using the Quiltbag term.(Ace-Biromantic here.)
    Joining the group now! :D
    Posted 17 months ago by Eudevie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Ok, I get it. But, I still laugh and shake my head when I see QUILTBAG. It's just funny to me. Moreso because I see the LGBT buried in there. Oh well. It works. That's all that matters.
    Posted 17 months ago by Mr. Dawgg Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Mr. Dawgg -- When you think about it, when spoken, QUILTBAG is actually easier to say than LGBT(Q). A lot of times "queer" is also simply used to identify the various allied communities, though this is still controversial (obviously because we're still in the process of reclaiming it from its pejorative status) and not always applicable, especially for the U (Unidentified) individuals.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • True, Sure. 
    Posted 17 months ago by Mr. Dawgg Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Ooh, also, I completely forgot to say this, but

    @Princess Fi -- You are an amazing person and I really appreciate having you as a friend.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • That's peoplesexual to you, sir ;)
    Though I couldn't tell you why "pansexual" feels wrong.

    Thanks for your thoughtful post and for sticking to your guns under pressure. And for not leaving!
    Posted 17 months ago by Sheepy Subscriber! | Permalink
  • The most important thing I and anyone else can teach their children is never to hate someone because of whom that person loves.

    Both of my kids are now adamantly straight young adults who are just as adamantly protective of and outspoken for their friends who are LGBT and out (or not.)

    Life is too damn short to waste on hate. 

    I  kinda like the Pansexual terminology, to me it means one doesn't have to stop looking for love at the halfway point and it includes imo everyone who is human and capable of making rational adult decisions regarding their life and accepting both who they are themselves as well as those with whom they interact.

    Call me Ally, or simply friend, we can hope that as the world becomes more educated, intolerance disappears.

    I haven't been a forum mod in years so you can borrow my old ban-stick if you want it!

    Good luck with your group Cerulean.

    ~~ TJ Fuzzybut
    Posted 17 months ago by Thaddeus J Fuzzybut Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Agreed on not agreeing with hate. Haters Gonna Hate though. Amiright?
    Posted 17 months ago by Mr. Dawgg Subscriber! | Permalink
  • i'm a glitch noob (this is my first post!), but i just wanted to say how happy i am to see a group like this here.  :)
    Posted 17 months ago by peacefulbean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Thanks, peacefulbean! Thanks for also following my Tumblr, haha. I'll check yours out and follow back later today.

    And as for haters, as Nikki Minaj would say: "Haters are my motivators."
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Heyoheya said what I would have - so + to her post and + to all humans of goodwill, including Cer's QUILTBAG!
    Posted 17 months ago by jasbo Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Sheepy -- LOL, actually, I was talking about another user who I won't "out" here, though (s)he has openly stated his/her pansexuality elsewhere on the forums, haha.
    Posted 17 months ago by Cerulean Subscriber! | Permalink
  • +1 Million to this thread.

    And also thanks for adding my group! :D

    I do agree. I've been called out a couple of times in-world and harassed about being gay. I usually just block and move on...of course, unless they have a stupid comment. Then I just make fun of their stupidity :P
    Posted 17 months ago by Mons†er Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Thats so bizarre, harrassing someone for being gay. "Duuuuh...I don't like your face" I wish for the day when our species grows up. I'm so impressed with Cerulean and others who have the courage to speak up here. Kudos.
    Posted 17 months ago by Phoebe Springback Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Cerulean: My bad! :)
    Posted 17 months ago by Sheepy Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Sheepy - maybe you don't want to be lumped in with the cookware fetishists? ;)

    I usually eschew labels, but if someone seems to need one I usually go with either queer or pansexual... so I guess we'll have to make that at least two.
    Posted 17 months ago by Magic Monkey Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Magic Monkey: I usually go with queer when I think people (i.e. my parents) will react funny to peoplesexual. Not that they like queer much better :P

    I won't lie, I love a good cast iron skillet. Mmmmmm.
    Posted 17 months ago by Sheepy Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Sheepy if you leave me for a skillet....
    Posted 17 months ago by Gloopy Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sheepy and Gloopy, as usual, making me laugh....
    Posted 17 months ago by jasbo Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Gloopy: You know I'm fickle; that's why we have an open relationship. ;)
    Posted 17 months ago by Sheepy Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Thanks to Cerulean for being so helpful in chat the other day. It was my first time playing and found a really welcoming community. I'm a veteran of the games industry and have worked extensively in community management. I'm always happy to see players creating groups for the express purpose of providing a safe place for what is unfortunately still seen in many games as an "alternative lifestyle". Glitch has great potential and I'm looking forward to testing it some more and hope to get to know the community better.
    Posted 17 months ago by Ceriella Subscriber! | Permalink
  • can i have a invite :P
    Posted 17 months ago by Marcm Subscriber! | Permalink
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