The cold hard facts. No spin. No hidden propaganda. I promise.
The Candidates
• Alpaca
-intriguing, loving animals. They are intelligent, enquiring and sensitive. They quickly respond to gentle handling and they are calming to be around. Alpacas are one of nature’s stress busters!
- www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP5...
• Fox
-tries to eat sleeping babies
• Goat
-Each year, over 6000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone.
• Kangaroo
-Try to drown dogs! Animal abusers.
• Mole
-Burrowing destroys livelihood of farmers and their babies.
-Occasionally, but somewhat rarely, carry rabies.
• Monkey
-eat human babies.
• Moose
-known to attack humans
• Rabbit
-Violent behavior very common, even to the owners that love them
• Rat
-Eat babies
• Sheep
-Steal from toddlers
• Toad
-Poison dogs. Animal abuser!
• Sloth
-According to Robert Armitage Sterndale, in his Mammalia of India (1884, p. 62): [The sloth bear] is also more inclined to attack man unprovoked than almost any other animal, and casualties inflicted by it are unfortunately very common, the victim being often terribly disfigured even if not killed, as the bear strikes at the head and face. Blanford was inclined to consider bears more dangerous than tigers... Captain Williamson in his Oriental Field Sports wrote of how sloth bears rarely killed their human victims outright, but would suck and chew on their limbs till they were reduced to bloody pulps.[4] One specimen, known as the Sloth bear of Mysore, was singlehandedly responsible for the deaths of 12 people and the mutilation of 2 dozen others before being shot by Kenneth Anderson.
The Polls
This is the current distribution of votes
Analysis: I find the current polls are non-conclusive. However, the Associated Press has already declared alpaca the winner and says if you were planning to vote non-alpaca you shouldn't bother, because it is a waste of your vote.
I do believe alpaca will win. The other animals just have too much baggage and flip-flop too much and eat too many babies.
What the Voters Are Saying: Completely unbiased selections of the most factually accurate comments
Quotes may have been edited for clarity and length.
Running man: Rabbits are vicious!
☣ elf ☣: Sloth = eats people slowly. Ever so slowly.
Aleph Zero: Sloths are... ass.
jiva: Voted my only vote to alpaca. You know they have the best fur for knitting. It's one of the finest and softest and warmest fibres available to knitters. It has a lovely drape for lace work!
Flapmouse: Toads are... pests and [eat] a gardener's best friend!
Bornslippy: a vote for alpacas, people, is a vote for [helping] the exploited, the poor, the weak and the vulnerable.
NEW: INTERVIEW with anonymous inside source of the Sloth Super Pac
Me: Hello. What is your goal?
Anonymous source who TOTALLY EXISTS: To corrupt the hearts and minds of Glitches and babies everywhere with my money. To introduce ferocious, Glitch-eating sloth bears into the game to eat Glitches and babies. To run off to the Camen Islands with the prizes I promised to those who voted for their own demise at the hands of sloth bears.
Me: That's... that's awful, my anonymous source who I totally didn't make up. What do you say about ToS's lack of comment on the issue of if a sloth or a sloth bear would be introduced into the game?
Anonymous source who TOTALLY EXISTS: You have to read in between the lines of their silence. Know the expression "silence is golden"? Well it makes sense because I bribed their silence with gold. And I heard from another anonymous source who also totally exists that they are planning to add the sloth bear, and the product you get from it is death.
Me: Oh. Oh my. What do you have to say about allegations that your organization has broken campaign finance laws by collaborating with your candidate, Sloth.
Anonymous source: We gave the sloth bear five beta fun pickles and they told us what to post in the forums. Wait, no. That's incriminating. No Comment.
Me: Errr... who will you be voting for in the 2012 presidential elections?
Anonymous source: Rick Santorum all the way!