Topic

[investigating - will fix soon] More Grammar

I know these are annoying, but they are important. Also, grammar are very important! :P

Element Handling: " The basic elements, Red, Green, Blue and Shiny, are tricky things. No just anyone can handle them. Learning Element Handling gives you the ability to carry an Elemental Pouch and thereby handle all the Elements you'd want. It is also the prerequisite for learning Alchemy and Refining."
Three issues: "No just anyone" should be "NOT just anyone." Also, "and thereby handle all the Elements you'd want" would make more sense as "and thereFORE handle all the Elements you want (to)." Finally, the "It" in the last sentence seems to refer to the action of learning the skill, not the skill itself.

Animal Kinship II: "Advancing on the path of Animal Kinship introduces some additional rewards for the basic animal interactions, increases the amount of meat piggies give when nibbled and the amount of milk butterflies given when milked."
There is a list of three things here: "introduces some..." "increases the..." and "the amount..." The last item is not an action, while the first two are. Also, it seems like the last two items are children of the first item. This could be reworked to be something such as "Advancing on the path of Animal Kinship introduces some additional rewards for the basic animal interactions, SUCH AS INCREASING the amount of meat piggies give when nibbled and the amount of milk butterflies given when milked."

Meditation: The last sentence is "Allows use of the Focusing Orb to enter a Mood and Energy-giving meditative state." Allows is missing a noun. It should read "IT (or MEDITATION) allows..."

Mining: "Mining is the gateway to some pretty valuable resource extraction procedures: you'll be using a Pick to produce Chunks of Ore from special rocks scattered around the world. Though mining is hard work, the rewards are worth it."
This description is generally in the present tense and does not address the person specifically. "you'll be using..." breaks both of these practices. Something like "It enables you to use a Pick..." would make more sense.

That is all I have for now, as real life is calling. I will have some more later. Again, sorry to be a stickler, but at least I are a nice person who knows how insane he bes about the grammers! :P

Posted 2 years ago by Edward Subscriber! | Permalink

Replies

  • Kudos to you! ;)
    Posted 2 years ago by Bunyip Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Me again. In the original post, "meditation" should be "meditative arts."

    Continuing my list:

    Better Learning: This is actually fine

    Gardening: It is ok, but the last sentence is too folksy compared to the rest of the description.

    Soil Appreciation II: In alpha.glitch.com/forum/gene... , the supposed new description is different from the actual description. Is it half the time or half the energy?

    EZ Cooking: Good

    Animal Kinship: The last sentence contains three thoughts that would make a little more sense as three separate thoughts. They seem a little disjoint. Also, "fail the basic animal..." is not good. It would make more sense as "fail AT basic animal..."

    Soil Appreciation and Light Green Thumb are both good.

    OK, I've exhausted the skills I've learned. I will go play the game for a while now and have some fun with the skills I have unlocked while writing this! As a closing thought, the styles of different skill descriptions are different. I can't quite place my finger on it, but it seems as though they were written by different people and/or at different times. Also, should first-level skill "Foo" be renamed "Foo I" to be consistent with higher level skills?
    Posted 2 years ago by Edward Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Back again:

    LGTII: " The second level of Light Green Thumb reduces the energy required to water, gives a neat little XP reward for same and is also the the prerequisite for all transmogrification skills." This should be broken into two sentences. Also, there are words missing. Consider " The second level of Light Green Thumb reduces the energy required to water AND gives a neat little XP reward. IT is also the the prerequisite for all transmogrification skills."

    Transmogrification Skills: I don't have a way to put this gently. These sound like they were translated out of a foreign language using an internet translator. The style of these is also completely different from the style of other descriptions.

    BTW - I hope it is clear that my random capitalized are not meant to be capitalized, but just point out where I am making changes
    Posted 2 years ago by Edward Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I will fix these, but it'll take me a little more time than I can afford right now (gotta clean up the house in time for our next test!), so it may not be fixed for the next playtest. Thanks for all of this, btw, I know that's a lot of effort for a bug post and we appreciate the crap out of it :)
    Posted 2 years ago by Beefcake Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I think I will survive 1 more test, probably 2, but not 3! (or 3 for that matter :P)

    And I don't mind helping. I'm used to debugging and testing code, and this is a heck of a lot more fun! At least I get to play a game here.

    And don't worry, I have plenty more grammar coming. I saw a few at the end of the last test, but RL interrupted me and I didn't get to write them down before the skills page closed.

    PS - Sorry for the horrible math joke at the top, just a sine of my nerdiness
    Posted 2 years ago by Edward Subscriber! | Permalink
  • A small typo I noticed from the pet rock upon completion of the tree harvesting quest:

    Well, well – looks like your were able to harvest a few trees.
    Posted 2 years ago by katlazam Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Edward: I had to check back after reading through the brackets to spot it, but the first sentence is amusing. The last sentence on the other hand ∈ {unforgivable} :D
    Posted 2 years ago by TGDT Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I'm Ba-ack. And I have a bunch more things!

    Transmog skills: I struggle to understand what these are saying. They are all similar, and merit similar wordings, but in trying to make them different, they became awkward and unreadable.

    Alchemy: "Ah, the transformational power of transformation. Alchemy puts that Element Handling to good use and teaches you how to use a Test Tube to craft loose Elements in to marginally more valuable compounds. Further down this path, compounds can become powders and soon enough you are making potions and recycling even the most complex items down to their components."
    "craft loose Elements in to..." should be "Elements INTO" Also, if "Elements" is capitalized, "compounds" should be as well. Inconsistency is A Bad Thing.

    Focused Meditation: Good

    Blending: "The first step on a successful career in drink making is understanding the basic operation of a Blender. The first level of Blending allows some basic recipes and the possibility of learning more through use."
    Last sentence is missing something. How about, "The first level of Blending TEACHES some basic recipes and ALLOWS OTHERS TO BE LEARNED."

    Cheffery: "Any proper chef is close friends with a frying pan. Cheffery befriends you to frying pans too, giving you some basic recipes and the opportunity to learn more through use of your new friend."
    Second sentence is a bit of a run-on. How about "Cheffery ALLOWS you to BEFRIEND pans too. IT ALSO GIVES you some basic recipes and the opportunity to learn more through use of your new friend."

    Intermediate Admixing: OK

    EZ Cooking II: " The second level of EZ Cooking grants several new recipes with the Knife & Board and makes ones chopping, slicing, mincing and dicing more efficient."
    "makes ones chopping" should be "makes ONE'S chopping" Apostrophe's are important to place properly :P

    Animal Kinship III: "The third level of animal kinship grants a further increase in XP rewards for animal interactions and gives a chance of a large meat and milk bonuses."
    The last part of the description is funky. How about "gives YOU a chance FOR large..."

    Blending II: "Taking Blending to the next level not only teaches you a handy parcel of otherwise unlearnable recipes, it makes the operation of the Blending much less taxing."
    "the Blending" should be "the Blender" I presume.

    Gardening II: "This improvement in your Gardening skill allows you to harvest twice as fast as before with no reduction in efficacy while simultaneously rewarding you with XP for both the harvest and pet actions."
    This sentence needs to be rewritten. "This improvement in your Gardening skill allows you to harvest twice as fast as before (sic). It also rewards XP for the harvesting and petting actions." Efficacy just seems awkward here. I wouldn't naturally think, "Gee, this skill will reduce my ability to harvest."

    Mining II: "Mining II doubles your chance of receiving a special gem when mining, allows the use of the Fancy Pick (instead of the normal one) and reduces the wear on your pick each time you get some ore."
    A few things. The parenthetical is gratuitous. It is fairly clear that a new pick would be in place of an old one. The last clause would make more sense as "each time you mine."

    Refining: "" (or is it null?)
    There is no description here. Not sure why.

    SAIII: "The third level of Soil Appreciation gives you a mood boost when tending, wears the hoe only half as much with each use and gives you a chance of bonus items each time to tend."
    Consider "The third level of Soil Appreciation gives you a mood boost when tending PATCHES, wears the hoe (sic) half as much with each use and gives you a chance of bonus items each time YOU tend a patch."

    LGTIII: "A plant or tree giving you its fruit without even harvesting?! That's possible (though rare) when you have Light Green Thumb III, but you can count on a doubled XP reward for watering and a nice mood boost."
    A few things: "?!" should be "!?" or "‽" (Yes, I did just put an interrobang there¡) Consider breaking the last clause into its own sentence: "LGTIII. HOWEVER, you can..." And "(though rare)" should be "(although rare)"

    Cocktail Crafting: "The operators of the Cocktail Shaker often look down upon their Blender-wielding brethren, but the wise drink maker knows that both tools have their uses. Cocktail Crafting lets you use that Shaker to start making drinks impossible with a Blender alone."
    "drinks impossible with a Blender alone" would be better as "drinks that would be impossible to make using only a Blender."

    Meditative Arts II: "A direct step up from the first level, Meditative Arts II increases the length of time you can stay in the zone by up to 50%. And, it also bumps up meditation's XP reward at the same time."
    The beginning of the last sentence reads better as "50%. (sic) It also bumps up THE XP REWARD FROM MEDITATION."

    Mining III: "Mining III improves your chance of receiving a special gem when mining, reduces the time and energy it takes and rewards more XP."
    Consider "and energy it takes TO MINE and rewards more XP FOR MINING"

    Mining IV: OK

    Saucery: "The most astute gourmands all know the secret to the best-prepared dishes is always in the sauce. Learn Saucery, obtain a Saucepan you find you already know how to make several things – and even more recipes ideas will come to you as you use it. Plus, Saucery is a requirement if you ever want to become a Master Chef."
    "obtain a Saucepan you find you..." is missing a conjunction. It should read "obtain a Saucepan AND you WILL find you." Also, "will come to you as you use it." What is it? the skill or the Saucepan? Finally, change "Plus" to "Finally."

    Wow, that was epic. I have commented on every single skill I am able to.

    @TGDT i have a whole set of things like that ⊂ {unforgivable} :P
    Posted 2 years ago by Edward Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Unfortunately, I missed today's test and do not have the standard giant write up. :(

    But I did get in for a few minutes at the end, and have three main issues. One, Refining does not have a description. Two, I have learned every skill that is a requirement for master chef, but have not yet unlocked the skill. Is it level based or is something broken? Three, one of the animal skills (i think Kinship II) is listed as a prereq for a skill I already have, and the skill does not list the animal skill as a prereq
    Posted 2 years ago by Edward Subscriber! | Permalink