(Weddingday 22nd of Bruise, year 18: STAFF ONLY! Crabato Corp L.L.C. Marketing Department Internal Document - NOT for Public Release!)
Item 1: Sad Sales Fact of The Day: People don't drink enough Crabato. Not sure if they have trouble wrapping their brains around the whole Crab State of Mind thing or what, but people just don't imbibe as much Crabato as they should. We have tried a variety of ways to increase sales, all in vain. Maybe it's the Tomatoes. Maybe it's the little chunks of Crab.
Whatever it is, sales are flat and something must be done. So we're proposing a sketchy lobbying effort that will hopefully result in certain segments of the "Ur Safe Food Act of 13" to be watered down enough to allow us to adulterate a limited quantity of Crabato Juice cans with a secret substance we accidentally stole from the Cubimal Factory. Glitchen who consume these special cans of Crabato will instantly be transformed into a random cubimal. We have the whole thing figured out in a precise, scientificy kinda way, meaning the effects will last exactly 5 minutes (give or take 4 minutes or so.) Glitchen under the effects of this "Cubimal Buff" will function normally, except they will also gain a "Racing" ability for as long as the buff lasts. (Note: The substance in question seems to be safe. A visual inspection of said substance caused absolutely no harm whatsoever to the observers.)
The substance in question is kind of pricey to manufacture, so once we run out of the supply we stole it wouldn't be cost effective to add it to every can of Crabato. However, once a few Glitchen drink a lucky can and start telling their friends about the magically trans-formative possibilities, we expect to see a 60-200% sales increase from word of mouth alone. Probably a 50% Adulteration rate (possibly less once it becomes popular) would be sufficient.
If the laws are changed in our favor then we can also expect a significant additional increase in sales once we start to advertise the cubimalistic possibilities. (If the laws aren't changed in our favor we'll still proceed with our plan, we just won't be able to advertise the changes and will instead deny all knowledge and moan loudly to the press about these absurd conspiracy theories dreamt up by our competitors over at Bubble Tea Ltd.)
Item 2: Please continue to vociferously deny the absurd conspiracy theories put forward by our competitors that Crabato Juice is nothing more than Surimi watered down with industrial grade tomato juice.