Topic

The Cold Hard Facts: What YOU need to know before you cast your BALLOT (NEW: inside the debauchery of the sloth super pac)

The cold hard facts. No spin. No hidden propaganda. I promise. 

The Candidates
• Alpaca
-intriguing, loving animals. They are intelligent, enquiring and sensitive. They quickly respond to gentle handling and they are calming to be around. Alpacas are one of nature’s stress busters!
- www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP5...

 • Fox
-tries to eat sleeping babies

 • Goat
-Each year, over 6000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone.          

 • Kangaroo
-Try to drown dogs! Animal abusers.

 • Mole
-Burrowing destroys livelihood of farmers and their babies.
-Occasionally, but somewhat rarely, carry rabies.

 • Monkey
-eat human babies.

 • Moose
-known to attack humans

 • Rabbit
-Violent behavior very common, even to the owners that love them 

 • Rat
-Eat babies

 • Sheep
-Steal from toddlers

 • Toad
-Poison dogs. Animal abuser!

 • Sloth
 -According to Robert Armitage Sterndale, in his Mammalia of India (1884, p. 62): [The sloth bear] is also more inclined to attack man unprovoked than almost any other animal, and casualties inflicted by it are unfortunately very common, the victim being often terribly disfigured even if not killed, as the bear strikes at the head and face. Blanford was inclined to consider bears more dangerous than tigers... Captain Williamson in his Oriental Field Sports wrote of how sloth bears rarely killed their human victims outright, but would suck and chew on their limbs till they were reduced to bloody pulps.[4] One specimen, known as the Sloth bear of Mysore, was singlehandedly responsible for the deaths of 12 people and the mutilation of 2 dozen others before being shot by Kenneth Anderson.

The Polls
This is the current distribution of votes
Analysis: I find the current polls are non-conclusive.  However, the Associated Press has already declared alpaca the winner and says if you were planning to vote non-alpaca you shouldn't bother, because it is a waste of your vote.  
I do believe alpaca will win.  The other animals just have too much baggage and flip-flop too much and eat too many babies.

What the Voters Are Saying: Completely unbiased selections of the most factually accurate comments

Quotes may have been edited for clarity and length. 

Running man: Rabbits are vicious!
☣ elf ☣: Sloth = eats people slowly.  Ever so slowly.
Aleph Zero: Sloths are... ass.
jiva: Voted my only vote to alpaca. You know they have the best fur for knitting. It's one of the finest and softest and warmest fibres available to knitters. It has a lovely drape for lace work! 
Flapmouse: Toads are... pests and [eat] a gardener's best friend!
Bornslippy: a vote for alpacas, people, is a vote for [helping] the exploited, the poor, the weak and the vulnerable.

NEW: INTERVIEW with anonymous inside source of the Sloth Super Pac
Me: Hello. What is your goal?
Anonymous source who TOTALLY EXISTS: To corrupt the hearts and minds of Glitches and babies everywhere with my money.  To introduce ferocious, Glitch-eating sloth bears into the game to eat Glitches and babies.  To run off to the Camen Islands with the prizes I promised to those who voted for their own demise at the hands of sloth bears.
Me: That's... that's awful, my anonymous source who I totally didn't make up.  What do you say about ToS's lack of comment on the issue of if a sloth or a sloth bear would be introduced into the game?
Anonymous source who TOTALLY EXISTS: You have to read in between the lines of their silence.  Know the expression "silence is golden"? Well it makes sense because I bribed their silence with gold.  And I heard from another anonymous source who also totally exists that they are planning to add the sloth bear, and the product you get from it is death.
Me: Oh. Oh my. What do you have to say about allegations that your organization has broken campaign finance laws by collaborating with your candidate, Sloth.
Anonymous source: We gave the sloth bear five beta fun pickles and they told us what to post in the forums.  Wait, no.  That's incriminating. No Comment.
Me: Errr... who will you be voting for in the 2012 presidential elections?
Anonymous source: Rick Santorum all the way!

Posted 9 months ago by Isabelle the Pug Subscriber! | Permalink

Replies

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  • And sheep and toads are so cute. Vote Toad!
    Posted 9 months ago by Pii Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Rabbits are vicious!

    You can add that to your list.
    Posted 9 months ago by Sooriyan Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sloth... they do nothing.
    (Better than some of the other animals.)
    Posted 9 months ago by Palindrome Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Palindrome, might want to refresh your screen, I added the bloody truth about sloths.
    Sorry it's true. But it is true.
    Posted 9 months ago by Isabelle the Pug Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Oh wow... methinks the OP is slightly biased *giggle*
    Posted 9 months ago by Genkicoll Subscriber! | Permalink
  • monkey's are fun and mischievous.   A lovable and harmless version of a rook.   A living breathing relative of the Fun Pickle.
    Posted 9 months ago by Treesa Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I sense some bias here, though I do admit to voting for Alpaca, Sheep and Goat (I have my own biases).
    Posted 9 months ago by Brib Annie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Moose attacks are done with love.  And they bring flowers/boxes of candy.

    Sloth = eats people slowly.  Ever so slowly.
    Posted 9 months ago by ☣ elf ☣ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Yes, Isabelle, everyone needs to know! Sloths are bad. ass. Thanks for getting the word out :)
    Posted 9 months ago by Aleph Zero Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Oh I'm with you. Voted my only vote to alpaca. You know they have the best fur for knitting. It's one of the finest and softest and warmest fibres available to knitters. It has a lovely drape for lace work!
    See: www.flickr.com/photos/jiva/...
    /bias
    Also spins up like a dream too.
    Posted 9 months ago by jiva Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sloth bears =/= sloths, though. 'Sloths' do not live in India and are most definitely not related to bears. 'Sloth bears' are a bear species. As any bear, they are potentially dangerous.

    Either way, two animals will be added - so definitely not Alpacas alone. :P

    Alpacas, like llamas, can "spit", which is... not pleasant for the person on the receiving end.

    Vote for canny, rambunctious rats and calm, tender toads! I do have a toad in my backyard - at least, I hope it made it through the winter. Toads are awesome against all sort of bugs and pests and a gardener's best friend!~
    Posted 9 months ago by Flapmouse Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I have it on good authority that sloth promises to not suck on your limbs until they are reduced to bloody pulps.

    If sloth wins.

    (love this thread)
    Posted 9 months ago by Lord Bacon-o Subscriber! | Permalink
  • ALL my votes have gone slothwards - it's a no brainer, obvs.
    Posted 9 months ago by Slippy (Throb) Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sloth does nothing that you wrote. Learn the difference!
    Sloths are very gentle herbivores that sleep three quarters of the day, therefore perfect gardening helpers!
    Posted 9 months ago by Electric Wizard Subscriber! | Permalink
  • You do understand the difference between sloths and sloth bears, no?  Or is this all propaganda simply designed to distract us from the fact that alpacas spit?
    Posted 9 months ago by Tribeca Subscriber! | Permalink
  • "occasionally the projectile" - oh lawd alpaca has bullets inside her mouth!
    Posted 9 months ago by Electric Wizard Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @Becca Rice: ToS has not commented on if sloths or sloth bears would be added.  Their silence shows us they actually mean sloth bears and intend to make them eat newbie Glitches that don't know to run and cower in fear.

    As for these allegations of alpaca spitting, I have been to many an alpaca farm and never one seen an alpaca spit.  I believe these instances of alpaca spitting are propaganda created by the Sloth Super Pac. Don't let big money buy your vote! Vote alpaca! Vote for the truth!
    Posted 9 months ago by Isabelle the Pug Subscriber! | Permalink
  • This is biased.Notice how you say negative stuff about everything but the alpacas?
    Posted 9 months ago by AwesomeCardinal2000 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Not listening.
    Posted 9 months ago by AwesomeCardinal2000 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • ALPACAS EAT LITTLE CHILDREN!!!
    Posted 9 months ago by Electric Wizard Subscriber! | Permalink
  • @AwesomeCardinal2000
    All this tells me is that alpacas love their families and will defend their babies against predators.  Unlike the competition who actually eats babies!
    Posted 9 months ago by Isabelle the Pug Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I have it on good authority that John Cage took a LOT of inspiration from his friendship with.....a sloth, like I say, it's a no brainer.
    Posted 9 months ago by Slippy (Throb) Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Isabelle. If you want to make the alpaca stand over all the rst, I suggest that you base EVERY animal's accounts completely on FACTS. And criticizing the opponents has never helped.
    Posted 9 months ago by AwesomeCardinal2000 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • If you're complaining about how the rest are uncivilized and pose a threat to humans, it's so they can stay safe. And alpacas are Not all rainbows and ponies and sunshine either.
    And why should real world animals's behaviour apply to a game where it is CERTAIN that none of these animals Will hurt anybody in this game?
    Posted 9 months ago by AwesomeCardinal2000 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Monkeys =/= Chimpanzee's 

    http://www.cracked.com/article_19126_5-adorable-animals-that-are-turning-to-dark-side.html
    Posted 9 months ago by Rook Subscriber! | Permalink
  • (I am loving the faux politics. you are all awesome)

    The sloth bear does not represent the Sloth 2012 campaign, and his advisors' messages were  not endorsed by our candidate.

    Sloth loves everyone and is ridiculously adorable. What more could you need of a new animal.

    Alpaca, of course, are stalwart defenders of Big Yarn and their commercial interests. Without contributions from the Knitting and the Peruvian Mountaineering industries, they would not even be on the ballot.

    Foxes are sly contenders, but do you really want to wake up at the crack of noon to the sound of your chickens vanishing in the night? Of course, with the chickens constantly threatening revenge, perhaps the fox could be our silent defense against our psychopathic and vengeful livestock

    Monkey, being very similar to Glitchen is form and demeanor are ideally suited, but risk becoming competition to the same resources we harvest. I have it on good authority that even now, they are trying to work out the the means of transforming cherries into bananas. Monkeys jumping on beds creates liablilites for homeowners, as they are prone to falling off and bumping their heads.

    These are silly times, and your vote counts now more than ever.

    This message brought to you by the Sloth 2012 campaign. When you are in the need for a cold filling brew that tastes great and is less filling, think Sloth.
    Posted 9 months ago by MrVolare Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sloth lies.
    Posted 9 months ago by ☣ elf ☣ Subscriber! | Permalink
  • and let us not forget that those 'innocent woolly' alpacas were in cohoots with the oppressive giants of the industrial explosion of the 1700/1800's......a vote for alpacas people, is a vote against the exploited, the poor, the weak and the vulnerable.
    Posted 9 months ago by Slippy (Throb) Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Completely un-biased? Maybe these other people aren't, but certainly not YOU......
    When has the word "bear" been used anywhere in the polling site?
    They're polling on SLOTHS not SLOTH BEARS.
    Posted 9 months ago by AwesomeCardinal2000 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Bear? I thought is said beer. Drat.
    Posted 9 months ago by MrVolare Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I'd love the right to beer arms, mmm beer arms.
    Posted 9 months ago by Slippy (Throb) Subscriber! | Permalink
  • | • Moose -known to attack humans

    A moose bit my sister once...
    Posted 9 months ago by Aurora Dellaterra Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Dont vote Sloth..........they are just furry zombies. They will move slowly and eat your brains when you finally fall asleep!!
    Posted 9 months ago by Innie✿, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • GO ALPACAS!But I think I'd prefer a sheep, but since it's so far on the results I hope alpacas win then. By the way, monkeys also are such pervs! I'm so afraid of them. Besides the violent behavior I really would like to have rabbits on Glitch though... >.<"
    Posted 9 months ago by Lila Clemenceau Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Isabelle. It clearly says "sloth" on the polling site, not "sloth bear."
    Posted 9 months ago by AwesomeCardinal2000 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • AwesomeCardinal - I think your satire-meter needs adjusting. It is returning a false negative to you.
    Posted 9 months ago by Kookaburra Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I cannot in good conscious vote for any animal with PAC in its name. How are we to trust that it is not backed by an evil corporation masquerading as a citizens awareness group? I will stick with the grass-roots candidate, the Sloth. 
    Posted 9 months ago by N2ZOrtolanaBlue Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sloths do not work for the de-imaginators. Vote Sloth.
    Posted 9 months ago by MrVolare Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Monkey and Moose are the best choices....although I am quite biased :)

    I really hope one of them can win!
    Posted 9 months ago by Pickle Bob Subscriber! | Permalink
  • An Alpacatarian writes that she'd "prefer a sheep," and then has the nerve to call a monkey a perv.
    Double standard?
    Exactly what we've come to expect from Alpacatarians. 
    Can we really trust WHAT they're going to want to DO to these slobbery camelids?

    Vote Sloth. 
    For an Ur we can believe in.
    Posted 9 months ago by CrashTestPilot Subscriber! | Permalink
  • all these animals are uncivilised!

    foxes are the only way! because they are plain about their tricksy nature and do not attempt to hide it behind faux innocence and cuteness (such as the sloth does)
    Posted 9 months ago by onion Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Goat trauma is a lie! You are making adorable sweet goats faint! Listen to the Robot Goat Overlord! Besides if there are no goats, there can never be monkeys riding goats!!!!
    Posted 9 months ago by snarkle Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Also: hens peck children to injury, pigs eat ANYTHING- including humans, and butterflies.... Well, I'm sure at least one species does something horrible. My point being, sloth are cute and adorable and IRL pigs are one of the most disgusting creatures I've laid eyes on.
    Go sloths!
    Posted 9 months ago by Lady Cailia Subscriber! | Permalink
  • But what about the Sweet, Sweet Smell of Chimps.  They are just...  just...  You'll see

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2F3CMVagiHQ
    Posted 9 months ago by Mystbecky Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I have been awoken on many mornings to the sounds of young foxes in love.

    It is earsplitting and ignores the physical limitations of walls, windows, or sound-cancelling headphones.

    A vote for Fox is a vote against sleeping in.

    Vote Sloth
    Posted 9 months ago by MrVolare Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Haha, your (false, I hope) interview made me laugh... Thank you!

    By the way, vote alpaca! They are fuzzy and cute. And also they promise to improve the clothing and job economy of Ur. Yay!

    Here's an intersting fact about sloths. They only climb down from their tree once a week. To crap. Ewww.

    And I think *some* people are taking this forum too seriously. *cough* Cardinal *cough*. Seriously, it's a joke.
    Posted 9 months ago by SeerQueen Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Loving the Glitch "politics."
    (Edit: Vote Sloth AND Alpaca!)
    Posted 9 months ago by Fernstream Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Im all about trying to eat sleeping babies!!!
    Posted 9 months ago by TheBoyWhoCriedRook Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Alpacas in glitch, it is your destiny. Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy... http://youtu.be/1gZ0x8AVaBI
    Posted 9 months ago by glitch4ever Subscriber! | Permalink
  • To Sloth, or not to Sloth? There is no question.
    Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the tedium and banality
    Or take take up arms with cuteness and climbing and sleepy faces.
    To "Awww" and "Squee", perchance to dream
    But aye, there's the rub.
    As, if you do not vote, what animals may come?

    Vote Sloth
    Posted 9 months ago by MrVolare Subscriber! | Permalink
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